" I have self-esteem problems. Everybody does. You know, skinny people are allowed to feel shit about themselves." -Kiera Knightley
I have that written in my quote journal because I had never heard anyone put into words what I so desperately wanted to communicate for my entire life.
I am small. I always have been. I wasn't self conscious until my senior year of high school, though.
Which is sort of strange because I was a cheerleader up until my senior year. I wore the crop tops and short skirts and didn't really worry about what I looked like, I just had fun.
Anyway, back on track. (Have you noticed that I have a tendency to go way off topic?)
So yes. I am small. To be honest, I weigh 100lbs. soaking wet. (People always ask me, so I just tell them. So I just told you...although I'm 99% sure that none of you are rude enough to ask my weight and/or what size jeans I wear.) I think that number scares people. It is a low number, I understand that, but I'm only 5'1".
No one with an opinion that matters had ever questioned my weigh until I moved up here. The two doctors I've been two here on base have told me that I need to gain weight. Actually, the "lady" doctor that I saw told me that I had great skin and then asked if I was recovering from an eating disorder. (Which begs the question, what the hell kind of doctor are you that doesn't know that people with eating disorders don't have great skin? I mean seriously.) When I worked at Macy's (in the intimate apparel department, no less), I was asked if I eat (what do you mean?! of course I eat, if I didn't, I wouldn't have the energy to put up with your crap all day!), what size pants I wore, etc. I got those daily. It became tiresome and made me very angry. Rarely did I ever hear (from these people) that I looked good or anything of the sort. I heard from them that I needed to gain weight, from my family & Kyle that I was fine, and from myself that I needed to lose weight. That was a weird time in my life, mostly because of these body issues.
Up here, no one commented on my weight for months. I made hundreds of cups of coffee a day and not one person said anything. It was amazing. Then one of our regulars finally said something. Of course. He asked me my weight. He asked what size I wore. He asked what the most I had ever weighted was. Those were some slightly awkward conversations. I'm witty but that's sort of a sensitive subject so my wit flies out the window in those situations. These questions came on different visits, which made it a little less awkward.
The thing that made this man, this experience, different was the fact that after he'd ask me one of these questions, he'd tell me that I looked healthy, that he thought I was "just cool", and that I was cute. (No worries people, he wasn't flirting. He's married with a daughter that I suspect is in high school. And of course I'm married.) The man made my day. Never, ever had anyone done that. Never had anyone asked me those questions but then told me that it was ok, that I looked healthy.
So needless to say, I feel the need to defend my appearance a lot. I am self conscious and I do exercise nearly every day. (Also, comments in the gym like, "Why are you here?!" are not welcome. Take that somewhere else.) Lately I've realized that I really don't need to lose any weight. Toning up and building muscle, as well as cardio, is what I need. And also? Some people exercise to *gasp* be healthy! It's not all about losing weight, people!
Kyle constantly makes me feel better about myself. He didn't really do that before we got married (he didn't talk down to me, lest you think he's abusive) so getting married has actually done quite a bit for my self esteem.
So there. I don't know what the point of this post is. Maybe to let people know that even if you are small, you have body issues. You get rude comments. You are put in awkward conversations. You are pulled between knowing that if you get any skinner, you'll be sent to some sort of eating disorder rehab but thinking that you need to lose weight thanks to the media. (Thanks media! And Tori Spelling, we know you're not naturally that tiny. You've been in the limelight for years. And honey? You need to eat. You're looking rather scary these days. [That "honey" was still directed at Tori, not Kyle.])
Post inspired by Kerri.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
My best friend back home (who you constantly remind me of) sounds about in the same boat as you. To me, she's perfect. She's beautiful inside and out. But she still has issues, more issues than me actually. I'm pretty sure I have more self esteem than she does, and I am a size 14.
When I was in Ohio last time visiting, we went to the bar. She happened to go to the bathroom alone, and when she came back out she told me some older women in there told her she had a big butt. I was furious. Like, I wanted to hunt down these women and show them what a big butt looks like. My friend is a size 2 and her butt is not big. I know for a fact if I had been in that bathroom, those ladies wouldn't have said anything.
You are beautiful Megan. (and on base doctors are STUPID at every base)
NOT COOL. People there are naturally bigger so they just ask when people are small, no? Here being small is some kind of, I dunno, encouragement? Asian girls are naturally small but the standard drops even more, it's lucky if people don't have some kind of illness just to stay thin. I'm 5'3 and around 90-92 pounds ( i haven't stepped on scale for a couple of days ) so knowing people will bug me a lot where you lived in the previous place scares me.
But to all these indo girls, i'm actually normal since a lot of girls are thinner than me. Scary?
I know quite a few people who are naturally thin. Don't worry about it! You are gorgeous, healthy and HAPPY which is what matters. Just think how jealous people will be when you have kids.:)
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
I don't know what to say really, since I've never really been on the skinny end of things, I've always been on the fat end... but I did feel somewhat inspired and motivated by your post, and just wanted to say "Yeah! Go Megan!", haha.
Thank you guys SO much for the comments. Like I said, it's kind of a sensitive situation, so having positive reinforcement means a lot to me.
And Jessica, thank you for reminding me of that. Sometimes I think it's only our base that has idiot doctors. (And somehow, our hospital has gotten voted best in the AF for like, the past three years. It must be based on how pretty the hospital is, not the actual staff. ;P)
Post a Comment